I haven’t posted for a few weeks because I wanted my blog to be a happy place. Last semester it was full of sad stories: I hated living alone, I got a bad grade, I missed my family. But the thing is, my blog isn’t a ‘place’– it’s a reflection of where I am. And to be honest, I’m NOT in a happy place. Sure, my grades are great, my job is amazing, and I have a killer group of friends. It looks like everything is wonderful, but that is far from the truth.
You see, 2013 was supposed to be a fresh start. Everything that I was holding onto that rattled my brain during my sleeping hours was supposed to be flushed. I wanted to be DONE dealing with ugly memories from my childhood (and the past few months). I was over it impacting every second, every breath, every ounce of my being. But just like I wasn’t in control of my childhood, I’m not I’m control of how the past is impacting me (which royally sucks).
I’m sure you’re wondering, ‘What happened?’ I wish I could scream the truth from a rooftop for all to hear, but I can’t. My heart doesn’t allow me to hurt people in the ways that they hurt me. What matters is that some people and events have lead me to such a dark, heartbreaking place. And I have to deal with it.
I think it’s less hurtful if I explain where I am with someone else’s words (maybe I’m cowardly?). So, I stole some from my favorite blogger’s, Sarafina Bianco, post “5 Things an Abused Woman (this woman) Wants You to Know”:
“I won’t get over it…soon.
I can’t get over it because my life has been forever changed. Downplaying the severity isn’t helpful; it’s denial. Acknowledgment and acceptance are necessary.
Some days are easier than others; I know it’s getting better. Yet there are days that I’m crying before I get out of bed. I don’t want to leave my apartment. I’m angry and sad and scared. The world isn’t one that seems to hold opportunity on those days. It’s a place that swallows me whole. On those days I have to remind myself that I was in such a devastatingly bad place a year prior. I have to allow myself to cry in the shower, so that I can keep it together during the work day. I have to be angry on the way to work, and I have to remind myself that I wasn’t allowed to feel anything for two years of my life. I wasn’t allowed to be human, so how can I expect myself to act like I am human?
Every week I feel stronger, even though I’m digging into the issues further and further in therapy. I do feel better…but just because my recovery doesn’t fit your needs doesn’t make my small steps any less significant for me. I am moving forward. If you can’t handle the pace, then just don’t say anything at all. I will get there. Your doubt and criticism prolong the recovery process.”
That’s exactly where I am.
Tagged as:
College,
New start,
personal reflections,
posting less
Relevance by Ebony Pollard
I watched the sun rise this morning (because Lovebug—that’s what I call my baby girl—woke up at THEE crack of dawn). I couldn’t help but appreciate the sound of the birds singing their morning songs as the yellowish-orange glow of the sun filtered through the living room window. Lovebug, content in my arms, was quiet in that moment and I drank in the peace. Moments like these, my mind tends to wander; sometimes to a specific place and other times, nowhere in particular.
Well, this time, my mind did wander to a specific place—a place it didn’t need to be. An issue that had been bothering me for quite some time permeated my thoughts. Almost immediately, the peace that I was feeling just moments before began to contend with an anxiousness that was welling up inside me. Anxiousness soon grew into irritation and, before I knew it, I was on my way to being a little miffed!
Then my daughter, who recently discovered that she can make all sorts of neat sounds with her little mouth, began to blow spit bubbles—her most favorite! Because I think everything that my infant princess does is pretty much awesome, I turned my attention to her (and wiped a little baby spit off of my cheek).
Just like that, spit bubbles brought me back to my sunny, peaceful place. 
“This moment, right here, is relevant. This is what I should be focusing on.”I said out loud.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Too often we waste time and energy concerning ourselves with things that we can’t do anything about or that just don’t matter … or both … when there are lots of positive things taking place.
I am a thinker. That isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes, I think myself into a frenzy. I told you all, in a previous post, that I was on a mission to identify the things that keep me from moving forward. Thinking too hard about things that can’t be controlled can be something that could keep any one of us from moving ahead in life.
Obstacle identified. From now on, I’m focusing on things that are relevant.
Thank God for spit bubbles and sunshine, huh?
So, what irrelevant thoughts are standing in your way? Change your focus. Change your mind. Change your life.
Tagged as:
faith,
OPTIONS,
Options students,
Personal Life,
personal reflections,
problem solving,
reflections,
Student Life
The only thing holding you back is YOU!
In a previous post, I briefly wrote about moving forward. Shortly after posting, I realized that I think, talk and write about this subject quite a bit. It must be pretty important to me, huh? Still, I find myself stuck in the same spot in a few areas of my life and I’m asking, “Why am I still here?” For me to feel as strongly as I do about the importance of moving forward, in anyone’s life, I certainly haven’t gotten very far in my own, it seems.
I am glad that I made this realization, though. It caused me to take a moment and reflect on the possible reasons why I haven’t progressed in certain areas. Willing to be honest with myself, I see the things that I have allowed to stand in the way of progress.
There are obstacles—both self-imposed and those beyond my control—blocking my view of my goals. It is time to clear the pathway.
Moving forward isn’t just about advancing your hopes, dreams and aspirations. It is also about internal growth and maturation, a constant process until we take our last breath.
I intend to explore these obstacles in my life. Removing them will be a process but, I am willing to stay the course.
What are some obstacles that are standing in your way? Which obstacles are self-imposed (things you brought on yourself) and which are out of your control (resulting from your environment, upbringing, etc.)? What needs to take place in your mind and heart to eradicate them so that you can move on with your life?
True to my candid and transparent nature, I will share my revelations about my own obstacles on my personal blog, as they come to me, in hopes that my experiences can help others. So, by all means, feel free to check out my personal blog as I look for the deeper meaning behind the phrase moving forward!
Tagged as:
faith,
growth,
maturation,
personal reflections,
reflections,
Student Life
