I got asked out on a date. A real, take-me-out-to-dinner, tell-me-about-your-childhood, date.
My reply? “I’m free in two weeks for about five hours.”
I haven’t talked to him since.
Before now, when I would become overwhelmed with emotion, I would work myself to a point of exhaustion: pick up extra shifts at work, run for President of a club, volunteer. Men don’t have a place here because they only bring MORE emotion. Basically, I would do anything to lessen the number of minutes I had time to think to myself.
This coping mechanism is how I survived high school. I scribbled through the pages of a carefully, color-coordinated calendar. If my days were full, they’d pass more quickly, right? I was over eager for what the next chapter in my life had to offer, because I KNEW it had to offer more.
Problem: I was always counting down the days to the ‘next’ step.
As this year has morphed from a sad fall, to a depressing winter, to a confused spring it’s known that I’ve had a plethora of heartbreaking, unhappy days.
After a solid two weeks of calling my dad sobbing, I knew I had to change something.
Should I move to Arkansas? Being around my family would alleviate most of my sadness. Should I take a semester off? I’ve always wanted to go to cosmetology school. Should I transfer to Mizzou? That’s where I had always planned to go before I decided to move to St. Louis.
In my city apartment, I thought about all the directions my life could go. At school, I tried to picture myself striding through the halls of another University. At work, I’d wonder if I could find a job that paid similarly in another area of the Midwest.
Problem: Thoughts of what I COULD be doing were depriving me of experiencing what I actually was doing.
The change I needed was to START living. I live in St. Louis in a fabulous apartment- it is tiny, but the appliances are new and the walls are decorated with pictures and hangings I carefully chose. I’m earning an amazing education—I’m in a honors program and when I walk through the halls, professors know my name (They also know where I live, what my major is, and how much my family means to me). I also have a job that is meaningful AND allows me to eat off of a silver platter. The only negative light in this mix is me not enjoying all that my environment has to give me.
So, for the first time in my entire life (literally), I’m not counting down the days for the ‘next’ step. My planner is still overflowing with commitments, but I didn’t commit to these events because I’m running from my thoughts. I’m embracing where I am, and it’s turning out to be quite fun (even though I’m passing on free dinners). 
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