I have never really been one to jump outside of my comfort zone; I never really was brought up to. My life has always been very planned, even vacations; we are the family with an itinerary down to the minute. I just thought that’s how it always was! Well, as I have grown up, become my own person, yes, I do love my predictability, but I have learned how much flexibility and spontaneity are important for me to be successful.
I think the first big jump from my comfort zone was going away to college. Yes, I went to a college where I knew some of the people that went there, however, they were graduating that year so we never had classes together and I only would see them maybe in the cafeteria or at rehearsals. I had to meet new people, rearrange my schedule, depend on myself to get my homework done and go where I needed to go without reminders from my parents. This was a huge shock to my system. But after a few months this too becomes routine. Then the next leap: transferring to a graduate program at a different college. Another place to meet people, this time I knew no one, and I now didn’t have the luxury of living on campus I was now a commuter and the classes I was in only had ten people – if that – in them. How would it ever become routine? Well it does.
Student teaching terrified me because yet again, I was leaving my routines, is now in week 10 and I have settled in. I know my schedules, I know my students, I know my peers and I am comfortable. However, this will all end in 2 more weeks. I will be yet again shot into unknown. I have never seen graduation as a happy time; it has always been absolutely terrifying to me. Those routines and bonds you form are shattered the moment you cross that stage. Yes, you should feel proud, but what now? I have a piece of paper in my hands but no clear set routines formed, no bonds in sight. I remember that feeling after my BFA, and it is slowly creeping in yet again. Come May, what do I do then?
I’ve never been very good at balancing work and play, but I’m beginning to learn how. In the past, it’s been work, work, work then be too tired to have any fun.
In early April, I accepted a full-time summer position with one of my favorite families. I agreed to spend over 40 hours at their home Monday thru Friday. The days are long, but the work is fun: arts and crafts, water parks, arcades, movies. As a nanny, working weekends are inevitable, but I promised myself at least one weekend a month of freedom. So far, this has been an easy promise to keep. And everyday I’m happy with my decision to accept the position.
Outside of work, I’ve been soaking up the beauty of being young and single. St. Louis has a wide variety of night-life environments, and I’ve been blessed with a great group of guy friends who make these environments safe and fun for me. They’ll slide their arm around me if some slimeball at the bar is being too slimy, invite out their cute friends, and call the taxi driver at the beginning of the night just-in-case. (They mean more to me than they could ever know.)
Work is good. Social life is good. I’m happy. But, I’m also uneasy.
With happiness comes fear. Fear that the serene feelings I’ve grown accustomed to will disappear.
I move this week and a few new characters have popped up in my life. I’ve worked hard to reach this state and I can’t decide if I’m ready to give anyone or anything the power to disrupt it. I’m comfortable right now.
But, a year’s worth of therapy has taught me that building walls to block out bad feelings also keeps me from feeling anything good.
Is comfortable all it is cracked up to be, or is time to tear down some walls?
There is something in the air. A new found aura. I haven’t figured out what’s different, but something is hanging around. And I like it.
The first weekend of my summer break has passed, and it was a blast. I can’t recognize the girl who danced and smiled and laughed with her friends all weekend, but I’m looking forward to knowing her better. I liked that girl. She was fun. She was relaxed. She was happy.
She was unlike the me I’ve always known, but that’s okay.
The season is changing and so am I.
The blog prompt about the for the week of March 18th was about summer plans and such. I am graduating on May 18th and am going to spend the summer in St. Louis. I am going to be Assistant Directing a show called The Cherry Sisters with R-S Theatrics. I am also taking a play writing workshop through Fontbonne’s on campus theatre company Mustard Seed Theatre.
I don’t know what life will be like after graduation. My fiance’s job got transferred to Dallas, TX. I guess that means I will eventually go as well. I love St. Louis and have lived here all my life. Change is hard. But it will definitely be a new adventure!