The last blog post of the semester. Before you read on, I would highly, highly recommend you listen to this song, which the title of my post is derived from. For one, because it’s so beautiful, I think, and two, because things will make more sense if you do. I’ve been listening to it a lot lately, thinking, singing along, crying. Wondering why I’m here, where I’m meant to go, who I’m supposed to be. And if I’m anywhere close to those things.

“You had to find it…”

I guess you could say that’s what this year has been all about for me: finding myself. Finding myself, and, as of late, being not just okay, but proud of the girl I find. I found myself at the beginning of the year through running again, training for my second half marathon. I found myself on those Long Slow Runs (oh, how I long to be up to running for two hours, nonstop again! The thinking I could accomplish! The (legal, running-induced) high I would get!): I discovered a girl with chafe marks in weird places, a purple toenail (oh, how I long for it to turn that color again! The mark of a real runner!), blisters, and a pretty mean appetite for homemade chocolate chip cookies. I loved that girl. But then, after the race, I kind of sank into a funk. I stopped running. I let dietetics stress take over my life and my fire was put out. I didn’t sweat in the morning but slept instead. So, over winter break, I found myself sad and anxious. Like to the point of stress-vom anxious. Unhappy with myself and the fact that I took the easy way out.

“To recreate us…”

Then, to make my nausea worse, I decided to make the Big Change. I wasn’t happy in dietetics. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but I knew it wasn’t me. So I decided to give in to that tiny voice in my heart and run with it. For weeks I cried and worried and wondered if I had made the stupidest decision of my life. At midnight, the night after I changed my major, I emailed my old advisor asking if I could go back to dietetics. But I held on through the uncertainties and didn’t go back, instead staying true to that voice as I tried to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I kept moving forward.

Enter the Lenten season. I was done at this point. Done with making excuses for not running. For not talking to people. For being so hateful to myself and unable to accept whom I was. For eating more than I probably should for somebody not running. And during the course of those forty days, the same messages kept coming up: I needed to stop selling myself short. I knew I was better than the girl I was pretending to be. I knew the Real Me was buried somewhere under the fears and anxieties. So I made it my mission to recreate myself, to unearth that girl.

“All things grow, all things grow…”

I started running again. Not only did I start running again, but I took things a little further. I started running with a group of strangers, even though I was scared to. And slowly, I’m beginning to see flashes of the Real Me, every time I hit the road again: I feel stronger. I feel happy. I feel like a Real Runner. But most of all, I feel happy, ridiculously happy. Happy to be blessed with such a full life, with legs that can carry me as far as I want. Happy to be, well…me. Nobody else but me.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, in my mind…”

Spoiler alert: I’m not perfect. I eat too many cookies (although, I have modified them enough and last weekend successfully made them vegan. BAM.), I skip runs, I cry a lot, I prefer wearing my brother’s really old super ugly sweatpants from who knows when over jeans (my mom HATES that I do this), I’m a little too honest on this blog (however, it is free of grammatical errors, so I have that going for me), and I get scared to try new things and meet new people. Sometimes, like this winter, I find myself in a rut. But I’ve discovered this year that my imperfections and my ruts that I find myself in are the best gifts in the world, in a way. They force me to question myself, to really grow and become who I’m supposed to be. The unhappiness I’ve faced this semester has led me down paths that I am so grateful to have gone down: I’ve discovered comfort through running far, my unhappiness in my major led me to switch, my unhappiness with who I’ve been throughout my college career has led me to ask myself if I’m really living up to my full potential, and if I really give myself enough credit for the person I am and the things I’m capable of doing.

While I know what I want to be when I grow up now (!!! So happy), I still have lots of questions. Where will I live? Vermont? Boulder? Denver? Oregon? Washington? Or will I stay here? Am I selling myself short by staying here, when I know how badly I long to be somewhere open and natural that makes me feel full, as nature tends to do? These are the questions that have been plaguing me these past few days for some reason. What do I really want out of the life and the potential that stretches before me as I come to the close of yet another chapter in my undergraduate education? What does the Real Me wish for? And will I have the courage, like I did in making the Big Change, to stay true to the Real Me and follow her desires, no matter how scared I might be to do so?

I wish I knew how to un-awkwardly close this big, thoughtful post. But I don’t. All I can say is that I’m grateful for this year: for the ups and for the downs. For the tears, for the gigantic smiles, for the questions, for the answers. For revealing to me, in the weirdest ways, the girl I’m supposed to be.

And for helping me to finally realize just how much I love her.

“All things go, all things go.”

-Carly

“Chicago [Acoustic]” by Sufjan Stevens

Pour off old media. Wash twice with Hank’s salt solution. Add 5 milliliters of thawed trypsin and pour off. Wait five minutes. Use 5 milliliters of alpha-10 to quench the reaction. Add 1-2 drops of liquid culture to each of two new flasks, which should each contain 20 milliliters of alpha-10. Add 20 milliliters of alpha-10 to the original flask. Incubate all flasks at 37°C and check regularly.

I’ve been working with Dr. Thomasson on his cancer research all year. I’ve been performing the above procedure, which we call “splitting the cells,” since September. But it wasn’t until last week that I truly had an epiphany. I absolutely love working in the lab.

Since I’ve been a biology major, I’ve enjoyed micropipetting and looking through microscopes and figuring out where I may have introduced error into my experiment. However, last week, it just really hit me: I love working in the lab. In honor of the 60th anniversary of the structure of DNA, my molecular techniques class watched a NOVA documentary about Rosalind Franklin’s underestimated role in Watson and Crick’s field-changing work. In the film, one of the interviewed speakers talked about how Franklin didn’t just enjoy science for the end results, as do most scientists, but she enjoyed science for the entire process of it. While watching the documentary, I was sort of taken aback by that statement. I like results, and I like looking at where I go right and wrong. However, I never had really before thought of enjoying the journey of science more than the final destination.

The next day, I was literally just standing at the lab sink washing beakers that I’d previously used for splitting some of Dr. T’s cells. And you know what? I had this huge smile on my face. I was having the best time ever washing those beakers. Have Dr. T and I cured cancer? Definitely not. But just the prospect that we could make an important discovery or that we could be contributing valuable insight to others in the field is something to be proud of.

My friends will tell you that I’m very impatient, and they would be correct. I don’t like to sit around waiting for things to happen. As my friend and fellow blogger Carly would probably say, I like to be a catalyst and make things happen faster than they normally would. That’s probably why I started my newer method of thawing the trypsin enzyme in the water bath before gathering the necessary supplies for the above cell-splitting procedure instead of using my older method, which involved setting up the rest of the supplies and then thawing the frozen enzyme. However, in light of my newfound love of the entire process of science – not just a love of the results – I don’t think that waiting on the trypsin will be as tedious as I once found it to be.

I’m done. I have a calc test in the morning, but I can’t bring myself to study for it anymore. Yes, at about the spring break mark I start losing motivation pretty fast. The weather turns! I start running again! Who in their right mind would want to be working on applications of derivatives at such a magical time of the year? And anyway, if the turn of the season isn’t enough of a distraction, I have other things on my mind, as per usual, like the looming question of, “What am I going to do this summer?”

I remember fondly the night over winter break that I threatened to change majors once and for all. My father told me something about getting a job over the summer at a hospital (ugh) to up my shot at a dietetics internship, when I stubbornly announced, “Well, I’m thinking about changing majors, sooo…” (“So that’s not going to happen”, in other words.) And then, quite seriously, maybe three days after I made the Big Change, daddy told me that I needed to get a biology internship in a lab this summer. So I began the dreaded task of filling out online applications (does anybody else hate those things? I always find them so ambiguous.) to a couple of really awesome places that I figured I didn’t have much a shot with. Yes, my dad was convinced I had just as good of a chance at getting a spot at the Danforth Center’s internship as all of those other kids who probably have known all their lives they were destined to be scientists. So I applied. I kept looking around for more opportunities, and excitedly applied for a chemistry internship at Sigma-Aldrich as well.

The other day as I was happily (??) doing my calculus, my other best friend Elizabeth (who claims to be a blogger, but whatever) came in and told me about the interview process she underwent for a computer science internship at Sigma. That’s when it hit me: if I get lucky enough to interview there, it’s going to be hard. They’re not going to ask me to talk about a deadline I had to meet, or what my weakest personality trait is (in addition to hating online job applications, I also hate those types of interview questions as well. I suck at them.). They’re going to ask me super technical questions that may require a calculator. And scratch paper. And help from the Chemistry Gods; namely, Zeus, the dog who wrote my all-time favorite book, “Organic Chemistry”:

Don't let the human in the photo fool you.

I’m scared. I heard back from the Danforth Center several weeks ago about my status in the application process, but nothing from Sigma. Do I have a shot at it? Now that I’m finally starting to feel at home in St. Louis, I want to spend the summer here, as I think it would do wonders for my personal growth. At other times, I feel like it may be nice to lifeguard again. I like being outrageously tan. But living here, on my own…it would push me out of my comfort zone to a new degree, as I ‘d have plenty of time to explore and have fun and do the things I don’t have time to do during the school year (or feel too guilty to do).

I wish I had answers to what was going to happen! But until then, I wait, with my fingers crossed that it all works out for the best. I have a feeling that whatever happens will in fact be what’s best for me. I may not see it at first, but it will be (this is pretty much the story of my life this semester, no?).

Hang in there everyone! You can do it!

-Carly

“Soft” by Washed Out

This past Friday, I was honored to be among the Novus International Scholars at the 5th Annual Novus Science in Action Day. I received a scholarship from Novus, a research corporation, and as part of that scholarship, I was invited to the day-long event during which we listened to the wisdom of speakers, learned about the work that Novus does, and took a trip to the butterfly house in Faust Park to meet the entomologist and take a tour of the lab and butterfly conservatory there.

WRITTEN A WEEK LATER:

As promised, here is some more fun info and insight about this day.  (See my next blog post entitled “So Much to Do, So Little Time…” for info as to why I’m commenting on my own blog here!)

What really stuck out to me today was that I need to grasp every opportunity that comes my way.  It can be really scary to branch out and do new things, but that’s something that you need to do in life in order to succeed.  How should you do that?  Do something crazy.  Take an internship at a place that you think is really cool.  Take twenty-semod hours in a semester and reflect on what you learned.  Volunteer at a place with a cause that’s near and dear to your heart.

From my internship, I have a new friend who is from South America.  He graduated with a degree in microbiology, and now he is in the United States to better his English.  I think he’s extremely brave for leaving his country and everything that is familiar to him in order to better himself.  And though I haven’t left my country (or even my home, for that matter) in order to take advantage of opportunities available to me, I feel as though I’ve been getting a lot better at taking risks that could benefit me in the future.

Another important thing I learned from Novus is that it’s okay to not like something.  In fact, if you take a job or internship and end up not liking it, that experience will be as beneficial – if not even more beneficial – to you than a job or internship that you liked.

In short, try new things, don’t be afraid, and get yourself out there.  You’ll be okay. 

Here we are with just six weeks of school left and there’s so much still to be done. However, I don’t want to blog about the future this week but about the past. Last week was Fontbonne’s spring break, and I spent some time in New York City with the lovely fashion merchandising program!

I spent six days in The Big Apple, and had a blast! Our days during the week were full of rewarding and inspiring study tours, while the nights and weekend were free for whatever we wished. Prior to the trip, my roommate and I planned out pretty much every detail of our stay, so we knew what our free time would consist of. We did so much in those six days and it’s so difficult to say what I enjoyed the most.

My favorite morning activity had to be walking the Brooklyn Bridge. On Sunday morning, my roommate Carly and I took a stroll from downtown to Brooklyn. The weather was absolutely beautiful with clear skies and lots of sunshine. We could even see the Statue of Liberty from a distance. It was nice to begin the day with a peaceful activity, and to take in the sights that the city creates from a distance.

Saturday afternoon was dedicated to museums, and I think that would be a my most memorable daytime activity. We went to the museum at FIT and saw exhibits on boots, fashion and technology, and shoes. Later we went to the Museum of the City of New York, which had a “New Housing for New Yorkers” exhibition as well as one on fashion. The Metropolitan Museum was next, where we looked at “Fashion, Impressionism, and Modernity”.

One of the most memorable study tour visits was with Elaine Gold, a woman who has been in the business for 70 years. She gave the fashion merchandising students a lot of useful knowledge and advise! Carly and I also took in a Broadway show Friday evening, which we both loved. This trip was the experience of a lifetime. I cannot wait until my next visit!

I don’t mean to brag, but I just got back from the best spring break ever. I could go on for days describing details about my wonderful trip to New York City. But instead, I’ll highlight just my favorite parts (although it’s very hard to pick). My favorite morning was when my roommate, Conner, and I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. The weather was perfect and the views of the city were breathtaking.

My favorite evening was the one spent attending a Broadway show (which made me feel very classy). Conner and I saw “Nice Work If You Can Get It” starring Matthew Broderick. I was thoroughly entertained and blown away by the beautiful lights that fill Times Square. My favorite dinner was at Benito I, a cute and quaint restaurant in Little Italy.

Last, but not least, the company that I favored the most was M&S Schmalberg,  which we toured as a class. This is a family owned business that creates custom fabric flowers for various companies and designers. I formed so many amazing memories in NYC that I will cherish forever. Hopefully I will be able to travel there again someday.

Luckily, I had a few days to spend at home as well during spring break. My favorite part of my time spent in St. Peters, Missouri was dying Easter eggs with my cousins. I look forward to this tradition every year. Let’s just say that spring break 2013 is going to be a hard one to beat in the future.

Now that April – and hopefully warmer weather – is upon us, it’s time to begin the registration process for next year’s classes. As usual, I’ll be knee-deep in dietetics! There will be some clinical nutrition classes, some family/consumer science-based classes, and a class that will prepare me for the dietetic internship application process (which all graduated dietetics students have to complete before they can sit for the RD – Registered Dietitian – exam). I’m excited for my senior year, and very pleased with how my college experience has gone so far. I’m very lucky to say that food and nutrition has always been my surefire passion, and I’ve never once considered switching my major. One reason is that there’s just so many areas that a dietitian can work in – food service, hospitals, private practice, large corporations, grocery stores – if there’s food involved, chances are there’s a dietitian on staff somewhere! And in the past few years the need for more dietitians has just kept growing. Personally, I see myself working for a health foods or grocery store, perhaps with a private consultation business on the side. I’d like to write a book, too, and hopefully specialize in vegan/vegetarian diets. But I’m open to more ideas, too! The great thing about dietetics is that I can change things up without having to go back to school and get another degree.

So I’m definitely excited about what the future holds. That being said, I’m loving college, and I intend to keep enjoying every second of it! I’ve had so many great experiences at Fontbonne – I’ve tried new things, met great friends and teammates, and gone places I never even thought about going. It’s been awesome! And when the time comes, I know I’ll be able to look back with satisfaction and move on to the next chapter. But for now, I’m just enjoying the moment!

Today is the first day of Spring, and coincidentally happens to be the first day of my Spring break! I will be leaving for New York soon, and am so anxious to finally be in the city. I’ve been counting down the days and planning nonstop over the last couple weeks, so I can’t wait to do all I have planned! More blogging to come about New York City after I get back.

Once I get back from my trip I still have a handful of days left of Fontbonne’s spring break. I am looking forward to spending that time relaxing. These last 3 weeks have been immensely exhausting, both physically and mentally. I cannot wait to have some spare time to just relax and “catch up” on some sleep. I love college life, but it sure can be tiring sometimes. I won’t get a complete break from academics however, because I have two papers due when school resumes and other assignments to be working on throughout my break.

Even with items on my to-do list, it will still be nice to be at home. I plan on attending a lot of my younger brother’s baseball games next week. I am a huge fan of baseball, especially my brother’s teams and the St. Louis Cardinals. Opening day is fast approaching and Fontbonne did sell us discounted tickets for April 9th, but I’m too excited about New York right now to think about that!

Until next week..

This summer I plan on jumping into my nursing career fast. Before I start my clinical hours in the fall I decided to enroll in a CNA program. While I am getting educated to be a nurse assistant I will be in the hospital environment observing and helping patients. I feel like this will help out while I continue my studies. CNA’s also get paid better than any job I have ever had so it is a win win for me. I have heard from so many of my friends that are currently in Nursing school that it is very hard to do anything else while in training. So I plan on traveling and visiting my boyfriend as much as I can before I start in the fall. I am really excited about it all, but I can wait for summer to arrive.

Ahhhhhh! How are we already passed the midpoint of my last semester of undergraduate school?

How am I a Senior already?!?

For those who are still in high school or aren’t quite Seniors in college yet, just know that the time will fly by! Don’t take that time for granted!

If you’re a Senior like me and some of my other classmates, you’re most likely freaking out quite a bit about “what’s next” after graduation in May. Therefore, I suggest to those who still have time to think more deeply about this to at least put some thought into where you see yourself after graduation. Thinking about this can also help guide your college career, because ultimately, your college experiences help to shape the person you are when you graduate.

I would also like to say that this is the time of year where the big projects (i.e. a Research Paper and Senior Capstone Project) start to make themselves known. This is not a good time to do things like procrastinate, get sick, fall to the weaknesses of your own limitations, etc. Therefore, let’s just say that I’m struggling right now. However, knowing that there’s less than 70 days until graduation helps me to be at ease, because I know that one of my major goals (graduating from College) is getting nearer and nearer each day.

And now some random pictures from some of my current life events:

Searching for books for my Research Paper. I like that you can get the book location texted to your phone. Thanks, technology!

Getting to know the library books at the Fontbonne Library...

Sometimes, you have to reward yourself for good behavior. Positive reinforcement!

Visiting a Graduate Program at Columbia College Chicago!

The Dance/Movement Therapy & Counseling Department at Columbia College Chicago, where I'll hopefully be next year!

One of the Graduate Classrooms at Columbia College Chicago.

A dance studio area for Graduate Students at Columbia College Chicago.

The building across the street from where I had my Graduate Admissions Interview.

Green mashed potatoes with garlic and kale that I made in my Southwest Hall apartment in honor of March and St. Patrick's Day coming up!

Some closing thoughts on time management…time management is a great skill to have and is much needed in the current fast-paced life of modern society. Either that, or I recommend becoming a part of a society that is slower-paced if time management is not your thing. I’m still trying to learn how to properly balance everything.

Welp, back to schoolwork for me!

Peace, Love, & Relaxation (Eventually).