It’s official.  I’ve finished my third year in college. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about my experiences thus far, perhaps because most of my friends will be graduating in just two days from now.  I came to Fontbonne leery of the thought of taking on a major as challenging as biology, and, I’ll admit it, I’ve really considered changing majors many times ever since (although oddly, I’ve never quite made it over to the registrar to pick up the correct form for that- call me lazy).  Just three years ago, I was staring wide-eyed at my first general biology I assignment, which was on mimicry in the snake world.  I didn’t understand the words.  I was put into a group with seniors who, for some strange reasons, needed to retake general biology and who had already taken crazy 300- and 400-level biology courses.  I had no idea what I was doing in that class.

And look at me now.  I’ve finished my chemistry minor.  I’m practically finished with my biotechnology concentration, and I already finished the physiology concentration.  I’ve even taken an additional independent study human anatomy class (neuroanatomy) for fun.  I technically only need to take one more biology class, immunology, and then I will have finished all of the departmental requirements for my degree.

So what have I learned in three years?  Mostly, I’ve learned to never quit, even though I say “I quit” on what’s practically a daily basis.  I’m scared about what lies ahead as far as GREs and internships and jobs and graduate admissions go, but I think that’s what’s the most exciting thing of all. 

But, with school having just ended, I’d like to take some time to just reflect on the memories.  The memories of Wednesday Cinema, our rather-new tradition of sitting in the biology seminar room and watching movies while doing homework all day.  The memories of taking Molecular Techniques with Dillon and Tim all semester and telling each other to not tell Dr. Paine-Saunders that we spilled buffer all over or that we dropped our Western blot membranes in the sink.  The memories of sleepless nights before organic chem tests and of waking up at 2 in the morning before a biochem test only to lie in bed and go through equations and problems over and over again in my head until it was time to get up and ready to go at 5:30am.  These and countless other memories will continue to haunt me as I realize that many of my friends will not be back on campus in class with me next fall.  But those memories, those bittersweet memories, will in time turn out to be some of the best I’ve ever had.

~ With Two of the Best Friends I’ll Ever Have ~

The last blog post of the semester. Before you read on, I would highly, highly recommend you listen to this song, which the title of my post is derived from. For one, because it’s so beautiful, I think, and two, because things will make more sense if you do. I’ve been listening to it a lot lately, thinking, singing along, crying. Wondering why I’m here, where I’m meant to go, who I’m supposed to be. And if I’m anywhere close to those things.

“You had to find it…”

I guess you could say that’s what this year has been all about for me: finding myself. Finding myself, and, as of late, being not just okay, but proud of the girl I find. I found myself at the beginning of the year through running again, training for my second half marathon. I found myself on those Long Slow Runs (oh, how I long to be up to running for two hours, nonstop again! The thinking I could accomplish! The (legal, running-induced) high I would get!): I discovered a girl with chafe marks in weird places, a purple toenail (oh, how I long for it to turn that color again! The mark of a real runner!), blisters, and a pretty mean appetite for homemade chocolate chip cookies. I loved that girl. But then, after the race, I kind of sank into a funk. I stopped running. I let dietetics stress take over my life and my fire was put out. I didn’t sweat in the morning but slept instead. So, over winter break, I found myself sad and anxious. Like to the point of stress-vom anxious. Unhappy with myself and the fact that I took the easy way out.

“To recreate us…”

Then, to make my nausea worse, I decided to make the Big Change. I wasn’t happy in dietetics. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but I knew it wasn’t me. So I decided to give in to that tiny voice in my heart and run with it. For weeks I cried and worried and wondered if I had made the stupidest decision of my life. At midnight, the night after I changed my major, I emailed my old advisor asking if I could go back to dietetics. But I held on through the uncertainties and didn’t go back, instead staying true to that voice as I tried to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I kept moving forward.

Enter the Lenten season. I was done at this point. Done with making excuses for not running. For not talking to people. For being so hateful to myself and unable to accept whom I was. For eating more than I probably should for somebody not running. And during the course of those forty days, the same messages kept coming up: I needed to stop selling myself short. I knew I was better than the girl I was pretending to be. I knew the Real Me was buried somewhere under the fears and anxieties. So I made it my mission to recreate myself, to unearth that girl.

“All things grow, all things grow…”

I started running again. Not only did I start running again, but I took things a little further. I started running with a group of strangers, even though I was scared to. And slowly, I’m beginning to see flashes of the Real Me, every time I hit the road again: I feel stronger. I feel happy. I feel like a Real Runner. But most of all, I feel happy, ridiculously happy. Happy to be blessed with such a full life, with legs that can carry me as far as I want. Happy to be, well…me. Nobody else but me.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, in my mind…”

Spoiler alert: I’m not perfect. I eat too many cookies (although, I have modified them enough and last weekend successfully made them vegan. BAM.), I skip runs, I cry a lot, I prefer wearing my brother’s really old super ugly sweatpants from who knows when over jeans (my mom HATES that I do this), I’m a little too honest on this blog (however, it is free of grammatical errors, so I have that going for me), and I get scared to try new things and meet new people. Sometimes, like this winter, I find myself in a rut. But I’ve discovered this year that my imperfections and my ruts that I find myself in are the best gifts in the world, in a way. They force me to question myself, to really grow and become who I’m supposed to be. The unhappiness I’ve faced this semester has led me down paths that I am so grateful to have gone down: I’ve discovered comfort through running far, my unhappiness in my major led me to switch, my unhappiness with who I’ve been throughout my college career has led me to ask myself if I’m really living up to my full potential, and if I really give myself enough credit for the person I am and the things I’m capable of doing.

While I know what I want to be when I grow up now (!!! So happy), I still have lots of questions. Where will I live? Vermont? Boulder? Denver? Oregon? Washington? Or will I stay here? Am I selling myself short by staying here, when I know how badly I long to be somewhere open and natural that makes me feel full, as nature tends to do? These are the questions that have been plaguing me these past few days for some reason. What do I really want out of the life and the potential that stretches before me as I come to the close of yet another chapter in my undergraduate education? What does the Real Me wish for? And will I have the courage, like I did in making the Big Change, to stay true to the Real Me and follow her desires, no matter how scared I might be to do so?

I wish I knew how to un-awkwardly close this big, thoughtful post. But I don’t. All I can say is that I’m grateful for this year: for the ups and for the downs. For the tears, for the gigantic smiles, for the questions, for the answers. For revealing to me, in the weirdest ways, the girl I’m supposed to be.

And for helping me to finally realize just how much I love her.

“All things go, all things go.”

-Carly

“Chicago [Acoustic]” by Sufjan Stevens

Now that April – and hopefully warmer weather – is upon us, it’s time to begin the registration process for next year’s classes. As usual, I’ll be knee-deep in dietetics! There will be some clinical nutrition classes, some family/consumer science-based classes, and a class that will prepare me for the dietetic internship application process (which all graduated dietetics students have to complete before they can sit for the RD – Registered Dietitian – exam). I’m excited for my senior year, and very pleased with how my college experience has gone so far. I’m very lucky to say that food and nutrition has always been my surefire passion, and I’ve never once considered switching my major. One reason is that there’s just so many areas that a dietitian can work in – food service, hospitals, private practice, large corporations, grocery stores – if there’s food involved, chances are there’s a dietitian on staff somewhere! And in the past few years the need for more dietitians has just kept growing. Personally, I see myself working for a health foods or grocery store, perhaps with a private consultation business on the side. I’d like to write a book, too, and hopefully specialize in vegan/vegetarian diets. But I’m open to more ideas, too! The great thing about dietetics is that I can change things up without having to go back to school and get another degree.

So I’m definitely excited about what the future holds. That being said, I’m loving college, and I intend to keep enjoying every second of it! I’ve had so many great experiences at Fontbonne – I’ve tried new things, met great friends and teammates, and gone places I never even thought about going. It’s been awesome! And when the time comes, I know I’ll be able to look back with satisfaction and move on to the next chapter. But for now, I’m just enjoying the moment!

The blog prompt about the for the week of March 18th was about summer plans and such.  I am graduating on May 18th and am going to spend the summer in St. Louis.  I am going to be Assistant Directing a show called The Cherry Sisters with R-S Theatrics.  I am also taking a play writing workshop through Fontbonne’s on campus theatre company Mustard Seed Theatre.

I don’t know what life will be like after graduation. My fiance’s job got transferred to Dallas, TX. I guess that means I will eventually go as well.  I love St. Louis and have lived here all my life. Change is hard. But it will definitely be a new adventure!

I guess you could say that I hit the ground running as soon as I began as a freshman at Fontbonne over two and a half years ago. My first semester, I took 18 credit hours, with classes such as general biology, general chemistry, and intro to statistics. Since then, I’ve never taken less than 18 hours per semester, and there have been times when I’ve been enrolled in upwards of six science classes per semester. Call me crazy, but I’ve always looked forward to a challenge.

This afternoon, I made out my fall 2013 schedule. Let me tell you- I was shocked by how different this semester will be for me. Gone will be the days of sleepless nights due to chemistry, molecular biology, and the like. Instead, I’ll be finishing up some gen eds and theatre classes for my theatre minor. Instead of multiple bio classes, I’ll only have one “official” class, immunology. (However, I’m definitely hoping for some department research and independent study courses!) I should have a lot more time since I should only have classes two days per week, so I’m hoping to get an outside internship in a research lab and possibly work more hours at the Science Center.

All in all, this coming school year will definitely be a new experience for me. I hope I’ll be able to use my extra time to better my lab skills, to better my abilities to interpret primary research articles, and to prepare myself for graduate school and life beyond Fontbonne.

Ahhhhhh! How are we already passed the midpoint of my last semester of undergraduate school?

How am I a Senior already?!?

For those who are still in high school or aren’t quite Seniors in college yet, just know that the time will fly by! Don’t take that time for granted!

If you’re a Senior like me and some of my other classmates, you’re most likely freaking out quite a bit about “what’s next” after graduation in May. Therefore, I suggest to those who still have time to think more deeply about this to at least put some thought into where you see yourself after graduation. Thinking about this can also help guide your college career, because ultimately, your college experiences help to shape the person you are when you graduate.

I would also like to say that this is the time of year where the big projects (i.e. a Research Paper and Senior Capstone Project) start to make themselves known. This is not a good time to do things like procrastinate, get sick, fall to the weaknesses of your own limitations, etc. Therefore, let’s just say that I’m struggling right now. However, knowing that there’s less than 70 days until graduation helps me to be at ease, because I know that one of my major goals (graduating from College) is getting nearer and nearer each day.

And now some random pictures from some of my current life events:

Searching for books for my Research Paper. I like that you can get the book location texted to your phone. Thanks, technology!

Getting to know the library books at the Fontbonne Library...

Sometimes, you have to reward yourself for good behavior. Positive reinforcement!

Visiting a Graduate Program at Columbia College Chicago!

The Dance/Movement Therapy & Counseling Department at Columbia College Chicago, where I'll hopefully be next year!

One of the Graduate Classrooms at Columbia College Chicago.

A dance studio area for Graduate Students at Columbia College Chicago.

The building across the street from where I had my Graduate Admissions Interview.

Green mashed potatoes with garlic and kale that I made in my Southwest Hall apartment in honor of March and St. Patrick's Day coming up!

Some closing thoughts on time management…time management is a great skill to have and is much needed in the current fast-paced life of modern society. Either that, or I recommend becoming a part of a society that is slower-paced if time management is not your thing. I’m still trying to learn how to properly balance everything.

Welp, back to schoolwork for me!

Peace, Love, & Relaxation (Eventually).

As advising week approaches, its crazy to think that next semester I am going into my senior year. Wow has time flown. I feel like I didn’t graduate from high school that long ago. Just thinking about how much I have grown and how Fontbonne helped me. Fontbonne helped me figure out what I want my future to be, career wise and spiritually. I am just astonished by how close I am to the “real world”. It is truly scary to me but also exciting. My mom always taught me to be independent and the only person I can depend on is myself. I feel that with what my mom taught me and getting my degree from Fontbonne and the experience I had a Fontbonne I will become a strong independent woman that I know I can and will be.

Today I was able to incorporate the two things I enjoy most in my life: dance and fashion. As a fashion merchandising student in HES205: Apparel, Production, and Evaluation, I got the opportunity go to Weissman. Weissman is a dance costume and dancewear company with headquarters located right here in St. Louis. My class used today to visit Weissman, and offer a real-life application to what we have been learning in class. I have worn Weissman costumes in the past, and own a few pieces from their dancewear brand Balera.

I have been dancing since I was five years old, and continue to dance today on the Griffin Girls dance team. I am used to dancing year round, and absolutely love it. I was initially so excited to visit the company, but did not know exactly what to expect.

My excitement for Weissman’s only grew upon visiting the company. I cannot express how I felt. It was a perfect combination of what I love most, and really got me thinking that this is something I could do with my degree. I have often thought of how sad I will be when I do decide to stop dancing, but working with a dance costume and dancewear company like Weissman would fill that void in my life. I thoroughly enjoyed hearing about their inventory and design departments, and touring the headquarters. I was able to see meeting rooms, photoshoot locations, the warehouse where they sew and cut garments, and the place where they evaluate finished sample garments. All the colors, sequins, and textures kept my eyes busy the entire time. I was really interested in learning that not only does Weissman go to competitions to gain inspiration, but also to trade shows. A dance costume/dancewear company combines everything I love about fashion and everything I love about dance!

This visit really got me thinking that I might try to intern at Weissman in the future. They have marketing, merchandising, and product development internships available. If I could live my life with both dance and fashion I would be so incredibly happy. I think that this is definitely an area I understand and have experience in. I left the visit so elated, but only time will tell if this is really for me. If not, today was still an experience I will cherish.

Until next week..

This is now really embarrassing. When I was younger, for some reason my dream job was to work at Taco Bell. I am blaming my father on this one. Since my parents are separated I would go see my dad every other weekend. Yes, we would always go to Taco Bell. Of course it did not take me to college to figure out that was not my dream job. I mean I was a kid I did not know any better. I still love Taco Bell though. Now in college, I know that I want to go into advertising. Right now I am not thinking about going into a huge firm. Actually, it would be a huge opportunity if I was able to be on the Target advertising team. I know that is not setting my goals too high for my overall career, but for right now it is pretty high. I am completely happy with it!

Last week on my blog, I made a rather bold statement. Okay, I probably made several, but this one keeps coming back to me:

“…I know now that I definitely don’t like biochemistry enough to be a biochemist (organic chem. is way better…). I thought I would enjoy learning about the chemistry of life, but honestly, I kind of really dislike it. A lot.”

I would like to take a moment to publically apologize to biochemistry for not giving it time to sink in and grow on me. To quote my mom when I told her last week about my dread of the subject:

“You’ve been doing it for what, two weeks?”

To which I defensively responded that it had been more like five weeks, thank you, which is plenty of time to decide that you don’t like something, right? Of course. At least that’s what I thought, until last Thursday, when my view of everything changed and I began to think more logically again.

Fontbonne is in the process of hiring a new organic chem. professor! And we biology students have had the opportunity to attend mock lectures given by potential candidates. Last Thursday, we got out of biochem early, and Dr. Paine-Saunders led us upstairs to meet the latest candidate, a guy from Wisconsin. Now, I’ve heard that Wisconsin’s chemistry program is one of the best in the nation, so I was excited to see what methods he would employ in his teaching demo. We began with a brief question and answer session, during which we students were given some time to drill him on anything we wanted. One girl asked him how he felt about having students in his organic chemistry class who weren’t planning on going into a chemistry-related field. To which he gave the most wonderful, perfect response: he explained how, while those students may not be going into chemistry, per se, it is likely their fields are in fact related to chemistry and that a firm understanding in the subject is crucial in order to be truly competent in whatever career it is they have (like nutrition, for example).

I fought the urge to write, “HIRE THIS GUY!!” on my evaluation sheet.

See, I’m a terrible decision maker, and the fact that I chose to change majors is kind of a huge deal. Constantly I go back and forth in my head: “Did I make the right choice? Or did I make the stupidest decision of my life?” But this potential future organic chemistry teacher vocalized exactly why I changed majors, proving to me that my logic behind making the switch was completely sound. I changed majors because I knew that understanding what’s going on at the molecular level would help me better understand the big-picture concepts that I’m so passionate about. I would understand why organic agriculture is something worth advocating for, I would understand why processed foods and cosmetics and plastic water bottles and carpets and mattresses (I am NOT paranoid) are bad for us, I would understand what’s going on in the cells of my body as I’m training for my next half-marathon in April. Yes, this is why I changed majors, to understand these things and so much more! But my anxiety and fear over my decision kept me from seeing things rationally, and instead led me into believing that my new major was pulling me farther and farther away from who I am and who I want to be as a scientist. I see now, though, that the opposite is happening, just as I knew it would all along: The more I get into biochem, the more I see how applicable it is to what I want to do.

So, long story short, after making this statement, the candidate proved his point with an awesome lecture on glycolysis, and well, the rest is history. I am officially hooked on the challenge of biochemistry now. And you know what? Let’s be honest here: a PhD in it would be pretty awesome…

I’m excited to see where my new, clear vision takes me. I now know that I’ve made the right choice.

Have a good weekend everyone!

-Carly

“New Theory” by Washed Out