It’s official.  I’ve finished my third year in college. 

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about my experiences thus far, perhaps because most of my friends will be graduating in just two days from now.  I came to Fontbonne leery of the thought of taking on a major as challenging as biology, and, I’ll admit it, I’ve really considered changing majors many times ever since (although oddly, I’ve never quite made it over to the registrar to pick up the correct form for that- call me lazy).  Just three years ago, I was staring wide-eyed at my first general biology I assignment, which was on mimicry in the snake world.  I didn’t understand the words.  I was put into a group with seniors who, for some strange reasons, needed to retake general biology and who had already taken crazy 300- and 400-level biology courses.  I had no idea what I was doing in that class.

And look at me now.  I’ve finished my chemistry minor.  I’m practically finished with my biotechnology concentration, and I already finished the physiology concentration.  I’ve even taken an additional independent study human anatomy class (neuroanatomy) for fun.  I technically only need to take one more biology class, immunology, and then I will have finished all of the departmental requirements for my degree.

So what have I learned in three years?  Mostly, I’ve learned to never quit, even though I say “I quit” on what’s practically a daily basis.  I’m scared about what lies ahead as far as GREs and internships and jobs and graduate admissions go, but I think that’s what’s the most exciting thing of all. 

But, with school having just ended, I’d like to take some time to just reflect on the memories.  The memories of Wednesday Cinema, our rather-new tradition of sitting in the biology seminar room and watching movies while doing homework all day.  The memories of taking Molecular Techniques with Dillon and Tim all semester and telling each other to not tell Dr. Paine-Saunders that we spilled buffer all over or that we dropped our Western blot membranes in the sink.  The memories of sleepless nights before organic chem tests and of waking up at 2 in the morning before a biochem test only to lie in bed and go through equations and problems over and over again in my head until it was time to get up and ready to go at 5:30am.  These and countless other memories will continue to haunt me as I realize that many of my friends will not be back on campus in class with me next fall.  But those memories, those bittersweet memories, will in time turn out to be some of the best I’ve ever had.

~ With Two of the Best Friends I’ll Ever Have ~

As this semester is coming to an end, and I am stressing out because as much as exams have snuck up on me, they have clearly snuck up on my professors even more! All of my teachers are throwing multiple projects or papers at me right now, trying to make sure they cover all the material they said we would and sometimes I just want to be like “THIS IS NOT MY ONLY CLASS!” But alas, I don’t, and each semester I survive and over break wonder why I stressed so much during the school year!

I cannot believe that come May 13 I will have officially completed half of my college career! It really is crazy how fast time flies! I’ve been thinking about the last two years a lot the past couple of days, and I look back at the friends I had the first week of college compared to the smaller amount I have now, and I am really happy with the good friends I have! College has been great so far, and I cannot wait to see what this second half has in store for me!

But first…I need to finish this semester!

The last blog post of the semester. Before you read on, I would highly, highly recommend you listen to this song, which the title of my post is derived from. For one, because it’s so beautiful, I think, and two, because things will make more sense if you do. I’ve been listening to it a lot lately, thinking, singing along, crying. Wondering why I’m here, where I’m meant to go, who I’m supposed to be. And if I’m anywhere close to those things.

“You had to find it…”

I guess you could say that’s what this year has been all about for me: finding myself. Finding myself, and, as of late, being not just okay, but proud of the girl I find. I found myself at the beginning of the year through running again, training for my second half marathon. I found myself on those Long Slow Runs (oh, how I long to be up to running for two hours, nonstop again! The thinking I could accomplish! The (legal, running-induced) high I would get!): I discovered a girl with chafe marks in weird places, a purple toenail (oh, how I long for it to turn that color again! The mark of a real runner!), blisters, and a pretty mean appetite for homemade chocolate chip cookies. I loved that girl. But then, after the race, I kind of sank into a funk. I stopped running. I let dietetics stress take over my life and my fire was put out. I didn’t sweat in the morning but slept instead. So, over winter break, I found myself sad and anxious. Like to the point of stress-vom anxious. Unhappy with myself and the fact that I took the easy way out.

“To recreate us…”

Then, to make my nausea worse, I decided to make the Big Change. I wasn’t happy in dietetics. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but I knew it wasn’t me. So I decided to give in to that tiny voice in my heart and run with it. For weeks I cried and worried and wondered if I had made the stupidest decision of my life. At midnight, the night after I changed my major, I emailed my old advisor asking if I could go back to dietetics. But I held on through the uncertainties and didn’t go back, instead staying true to that voice as I tried to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I kept moving forward.

Enter the Lenten season. I was done at this point. Done with making excuses for not running. For not talking to people. For being so hateful to myself and unable to accept whom I was. For eating more than I probably should for somebody not running. And during the course of those forty days, the same messages kept coming up: I needed to stop selling myself short. I knew I was better than the girl I was pretending to be. I knew the Real Me was buried somewhere under the fears and anxieties. So I made it my mission to recreate myself, to unearth that girl.

“All things grow, all things grow…”

I started running again. Not only did I start running again, but I took things a little further. I started running with a group of strangers, even though I was scared to. And slowly, I’m beginning to see flashes of the Real Me, every time I hit the road again: I feel stronger. I feel happy. I feel like a Real Runner. But most of all, I feel happy, ridiculously happy. Happy to be blessed with such a full life, with legs that can carry me as far as I want. Happy to be, well…me. Nobody else but me.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, in my mind…”

Spoiler alert: I’m not perfect. I eat too many cookies (although, I have modified them enough and last weekend successfully made them vegan. BAM.), I skip runs, I cry a lot, I prefer wearing my brother’s really old super ugly sweatpants from who knows when over jeans (my mom HATES that I do this), I’m a little too honest on this blog (however, it is free of grammatical errors, so I have that going for me), and I get scared to try new things and meet new people. Sometimes, like this winter, I find myself in a rut. But I’ve discovered this year that my imperfections and my ruts that I find myself in are the best gifts in the world, in a way. They force me to question myself, to really grow and become who I’m supposed to be. The unhappiness I’ve faced this semester has led me down paths that I am so grateful to have gone down: I’ve discovered comfort through running far, my unhappiness in my major led me to switch, my unhappiness with who I’ve been throughout my college career has led me to ask myself if I’m really living up to my full potential, and if I really give myself enough credit for the person I am and the things I’m capable of doing.

While I know what I want to be when I grow up now (!!! So happy), I still have lots of questions. Where will I live? Vermont? Boulder? Denver? Oregon? Washington? Or will I stay here? Am I selling myself short by staying here, when I know how badly I long to be somewhere open and natural that makes me feel full, as nature tends to do? These are the questions that have been plaguing me these past few days for some reason. What do I really want out of the life and the potential that stretches before me as I come to the close of yet another chapter in my undergraduate education? What does the Real Me wish for? And will I have the courage, like I did in making the Big Change, to stay true to the Real Me and follow her desires, no matter how scared I might be to do so?

I wish I knew how to un-awkwardly close this big, thoughtful post. But I don’t. All I can say is that I’m grateful for this year: for the ups and for the downs. For the tears, for the gigantic smiles, for the questions, for the answers. For revealing to me, in the weirdest ways, the girl I’m supposed to be.

And for helping me to finally realize just how much I love her.

“All things go, all things go.”

-Carly

“Chicago [Acoustic]” by Sufjan Stevens

Wow! It’s hard to believe that I am already writing the final blog for this semester. While these past 16 weeks of school have been amazing, I am really looking forward to this summer. I guess you could say pretty much everyone is, but I personally have never been this excited. I’m pretty sure this is going to be the best summer of my life thus far. Allow me to explain. First of all, I will be studying abroad in London for five weeks. I have never been out of the country before or traveled alone. This will be an entirely new experience for me that will help me grow tremendously. I have been making a long list of the things I want to do while I am in Europe.

Secondly, as soon as I get back from London, I am driving to Kansas City to go to the One Direction concert! I bought these tickets 13 months in advance, so this event has obviously been a long time coming. I love these guys beyond belief and couldn’t be happier that I get to see them live. Besides these two major events, I will also be attending a team bonding/leadership development retreat in Lake of the Ozarks with my fellow Fontbonne Activities Board officers. Any other time that I have will be spent working at Gordmans, babysitting, visiting with friends, and seeing Muny shows. My family gets season tickets to the Muny every summer. I will be missing most of them this year due to my numerous other plans. I am okay with this though considering I will be in one of the major fashion capitals of the world. I am convinced that summer 2013 will be one to go down in my personal record book. I will be sure to return next semester with many fabulous stories.

Pour off old media. Wash twice with Hank’s salt solution. Add 5 milliliters of thawed trypsin and pour off. Wait five minutes. Use 5 milliliters of alpha-10 to quench the reaction. Add 1-2 drops of liquid culture to each of two new flasks, which should each contain 20 milliliters of alpha-10. Add 20 milliliters of alpha-10 to the original flask. Incubate all flasks at 37°C and check regularly.

I’ve been working with Dr. Thomasson on his cancer research all year. I’ve been performing the above procedure, which we call “splitting the cells,” since September. But it wasn’t until last week that I truly had an epiphany. I absolutely love working in the lab.

Since I’ve been a biology major, I’ve enjoyed micropipetting and looking through microscopes and figuring out where I may have introduced error into my experiment. However, last week, it just really hit me: I love working in the lab. In honor of the 60th anniversary of the structure of DNA, my molecular techniques class watched a NOVA documentary about Rosalind Franklin’s underestimated role in Watson and Crick’s field-changing work. In the film, one of the interviewed speakers talked about how Franklin didn’t just enjoy science for the end results, as do most scientists, but she enjoyed science for the entire process of it. While watching the documentary, I was sort of taken aback by that statement. I like results, and I like looking at where I go right and wrong. However, I never had really before thought of enjoying the journey of science more than the final destination.

The next day, I was literally just standing at the lab sink washing beakers that I’d previously used for splitting some of Dr. T’s cells. And you know what? I had this huge smile on my face. I was having the best time ever washing those beakers. Have Dr. T and I cured cancer? Definitely not. But just the prospect that we could make an important discovery or that we could be contributing valuable insight to others in the field is something to be proud of.

My friends will tell you that I’m very impatient, and they would be correct. I don’t like to sit around waiting for things to happen. As my friend and fellow blogger Carly would probably say, I like to be a catalyst and make things happen faster than they normally would. That’s probably why I started my newer method of thawing the trypsin enzyme in the water bath before gathering the necessary supplies for the above cell-splitting procedure instead of using my older method, which involved setting up the rest of the supplies and then thawing the frozen enzyme. However, in light of my newfound love of the entire process of science – not just a love of the results – I don’t think that waiting on the trypsin will be as tedious as I once found it to be.

I’m done. I have a calc test in the morning, but I can’t bring myself to study for it anymore. Yes, at about the spring break mark I start losing motivation pretty fast. The weather turns! I start running again! Who in their right mind would want to be working on applications of derivatives at such a magical time of the year? And anyway, if the turn of the season isn’t enough of a distraction, I have other things on my mind, as per usual, like the looming question of, “What am I going to do this summer?”

I remember fondly the night over winter break that I threatened to change majors once and for all. My father told me something about getting a job over the summer at a hospital (ugh) to up my shot at a dietetics internship, when I stubbornly announced, “Well, I’m thinking about changing majors, sooo…” (“So that’s not going to happen”, in other words.) And then, quite seriously, maybe three days after I made the Big Change, daddy told me that I needed to get a biology internship in a lab this summer. So I began the dreaded task of filling out online applications (does anybody else hate those things? I always find them so ambiguous.) to a couple of really awesome places that I figured I didn’t have much a shot with. Yes, my dad was convinced I had just as good of a chance at getting a spot at the Danforth Center’s internship as all of those other kids who probably have known all their lives they were destined to be scientists. So I applied. I kept looking around for more opportunities, and excitedly applied for a chemistry internship at Sigma-Aldrich as well.

The other day as I was happily (??) doing my calculus, my other best friend Elizabeth (who claims to be a blogger, but whatever) came in and told me about the interview process she underwent for a computer science internship at Sigma. That’s when it hit me: if I get lucky enough to interview there, it’s going to be hard. They’re not going to ask me to talk about a deadline I had to meet, or what my weakest personality trait is (in addition to hating online job applications, I also hate those types of interview questions as well. I suck at them.). They’re going to ask me super technical questions that may require a calculator. And scratch paper. And help from the Chemistry Gods; namely, Zeus, the dog who wrote my all-time favorite book, “Organic Chemistry”:

Don't let the human in the photo fool you.

I’m scared. I heard back from the Danforth Center several weeks ago about my status in the application process, but nothing from Sigma. Do I have a shot at it? Now that I’m finally starting to feel at home in St. Louis, I want to spend the summer here, as I think it would do wonders for my personal growth. At other times, I feel like it may be nice to lifeguard again. I like being outrageously tan. But living here, on my own…it would push me out of my comfort zone to a new degree, as I ‘d have plenty of time to explore and have fun and do the things I don’t have time to do during the school year (or feel too guilty to do).

I wish I had answers to what was going to happen! But until then, I wait, with my fingers crossed that it all works out for the best. I have a feeling that whatever happens will in fact be what’s best for me. I may not see it at first, but it will be (this is pretty much the story of my life this semester, no?).

Hang in there everyone! You can do it!

-Carly

“Soft” by Washed Out

This Wednesday (April 17), I’m glad I joined a very meaningful event in the Lewis room, of the Jack C. Taylor Library at Fontbonne.  “Professional Branding and Marketing Presentation” was a special event to teach people who to market their business by social media.

Before we listened to the presentation by our speaker, Michelle Nelson, we had a “Networking Happy Hour,” which means all participants got some food and chatted with each other to build their personal network. For me, it’s also called a “social hour.” When I arrived at Lewis room, the first person I met was our speaker, Michelle Nelson. She was very nice to me. I feel so honored that the first person I met is our professional speaker who has been working for over twenties years as a marketing specialist. She spent some time to chat with me about my school life and my future career. Then, we exchanged our Facebook information with each other, of course, she’s a marketing person. After talking with Michelle, I got some chances to talk with our excellent alumni, faculty, and students. I really enjoyed this happy hour, since I made many new friends there, and ate some delicious food, of course.

After finishing the networking happy hour, everyone paid attention to the marketing presentation by our speaker, Michelle. She taught us how to use our social media, especially Facebook and pinterest, to market business. Moreover, she also told us how her clients have been successful to build up their business by social media. I really liked this presentation, since this information is very useful.

There are many useful resources that Fontbonne offers to alumni, faculty, and students, such as this event. I really need to say thank you to the Student Alumni Association for inviting Michelle to come to our school to give us a very useful presentation.

To begin with, I’d like to offer my readers an explanation as to why my blog last week was so short. As you may have read, I had my third test within the timespan of a week coming up, and I was trying to learn all about photosynthesis and the citric acid cycle and glycolysis regulation. I took a break to write my blog, but while typing, I accidentally hit a wrong button, therefore deleting all of my words except for those in my first paragraph. If you return to my previous blog and look at the comments, I’ve commented on my own blog and filled in some details.

Okay, now on to this week. Once again, I’ve miscounted the weeks until the end of school.  I thought we had four weeks of classes left. Oh, no – we have 2.5 weeks of classes left, and then a week of exams. (I don’t know how I always miscount.  I’m really not that terribly bad at counting…) Anyways, I feel like I still have a lot to do for school and otherwise. This past Friday, a few of my friends from the Biological Sciences Organization (BSO) and I went to the Science Center to celebrate DNA with Science Center visitors. Next week, on April 25, it will have been 60 years since Watson and Crick published their groundbreaking paper in the scientific journal “Nature” that described the structure of DNA. That determination has literally changed and affected all areas of biological sciences, ranging from cell biology to molecular biology to biochemistry to biotechnology to genetics. At the Science Center, we had a big DNA birthday card for visitors to sign, and we had spin-the-wheel trivia. We also had a fun craft activity that allowed visitors to make-and-take their own DNA strand, which they made using two different colors of pipe cleaners. (And boy, was I exhausted afterward. That night, when I was explaining to my mom what we had done, I said that we used “pipettes” to make DNA strands. True story.)

Next week, the BSO will be celebrating that monumental day in style with a party for biology majors on campus. Be sure to look for us, as we’ll be wearing our “DNA Is Life. Everything Else? Just Details.” shirts around campus. And the week after, BSO will have a very big Wednesday. We will be having our annual seniors’ graduation party in the morning and then going on an Owl Prowl in Forest Park that night. (Our new librarian, Mark Glenshaw, works in conjunction with Forest Park Forever and the World Bird Sanctuary, and he offered to take a few of us to Forest Park to show us owls’ nesting and habitat. We’re all really excited about it.)

So, for once, my social calendar is actually full. What about my school calendar, you may ask? Well, yes, my planner is chock full of due dates and the like. However, for the first time ever, I don’t feel like I’m completely panicking about finishing all of my work. Just give me a couple more days, though, and I’ll assure you that the panic will have begun…

~ With Carly and Kaniz at the BSO table at the Science Center! ~

This past Friday, I was honored to be among the Novus International Scholars at the 5th Annual Novus Science in Action Day. I received a scholarship from Novus, a research corporation, and as part of that scholarship, I was invited to the day-long event during which we listened to the wisdom of speakers, learned about the work that Novus does, and took a trip to the butterfly house in Faust Park to meet the entomologist and take a tour of the lab and butterfly conservatory there.

WRITTEN A WEEK LATER:

As promised, here is some more fun info and insight about this day.  (See my next blog post entitled “So Much to Do, So Little Time…” for info as to why I’m commenting on my own blog here!)

What really stuck out to me today was that I need to grasp every opportunity that comes my way.  It can be really scary to branch out and do new things, but that’s something that you need to do in life in order to succeed.  How should you do that?  Do something crazy.  Take an internship at a place that you think is really cool.  Take twenty-semod hours in a semester and reflect on what you learned.  Volunteer at a place with a cause that’s near and dear to your heart.

From my internship, I have a new friend who is from South America.  He graduated with a degree in microbiology, and now he is in the United States to better his English.  I think he’s extremely brave for leaving his country and everything that is familiar to him in order to better himself.  And though I haven’t left my country (or even my home, for that matter) in order to take advantage of opportunities available to me, I feel as though I’ve been getting a lot better at taking risks that could benefit me in the future.

Another important thing I learned from Novus is that it’s okay to not like something.  In fact, if you take a job or internship and end up not liking it, that experience will be as beneficial – if not even more beneficial – to you than a job or internship that you liked.

In short, try new things, don’t be afraid, and get yourself out there.  You’ll be okay. 

Here we are with just six weeks of school left and there’s so much still to be done. However, I don’t want to blog about the future this week but about the past. Last week was Fontbonne’s spring break, and I spent some time in New York City with the lovely fashion merchandising program!

I spent six days in The Big Apple, and had a blast! Our days during the week were full of rewarding and inspiring study tours, while the nights and weekend were free for whatever we wished. Prior to the trip, my roommate and I planned out pretty much every detail of our stay, so we knew what our free time would consist of. We did so much in those six days and it’s so difficult to say what I enjoyed the most.

My favorite morning activity had to be walking the Brooklyn Bridge. On Sunday morning, my roommate Carly and I took a stroll from downtown to Brooklyn. The weather was absolutely beautiful with clear skies and lots of sunshine. We could even see the Statue of Liberty from a distance. It was nice to begin the day with a peaceful activity, and to take in the sights that the city creates from a distance.

Saturday afternoon was dedicated to museums, and I think that would be a my most memorable daytime activity. We went to the museum at FIT and saw exhibits on boots, fashion and technology, and shoes. Later we went to the Museum of the City of New York, which had a “New Housing for New Yorkers” exhibition as well as one on fashion. The Metropolitan Museum was next, where we looked at “Fashion, Impressionism, and Modernity”.

One of the most memorable study tour visits was with Elaine Gold, a woman who has been in the business for 70 years. She gave the fashion merchandising students a lot of useful knowledge and advise! Carly and I also took in a Broadway show Friday evening, which we both loved. This trip was the experience of a lifetime. I cannot wait until my next visit!