Lately I think my friends think that I’ve been ignoring them, which isn’t the case. I have just been trying to adjust to my new major and have a mind of my own. Since August 9th, we have spent almost every waking moment together. By any means this isn’t a bad thing, I was just starting to feel that my individual self was being overshadowed. While I was trying to break away from the group, they were still holding on. I am an introvert and we need our time to regroup and focus on our goals. Given that I am an Orientation Leader, I had to be “on” for a total of 3 weeks and by the middle of September I was worn out. Granted, I didn’t have to be “on” I just wanted to make sure the freshman were well acquainted on campus before I could be with the crowd.
During week 1, my friends and I were merry and full of cheer until I noticed that we were all attaining different personal goals. In result of this, I saw the need to separate myself from the group. According to the Knapp’s Relation Development Model, my friends were at the differentiating stage while I was still at bonding. As I was learning this in class, it triggered something in me. Had I come to point in my life where all of my friends had something going for themselves and I didn’t for myself? Was I not being supportive like I should have been? That moment sent me on the verge of a breakdown. My anxiety, of not having my life in order, went crazy. In the span of two days I had a total of 8 espresso shots and an outstanding amount of caffeine to calm my nerves. I hadn’t experienced anything like that in my life. I had to call my best friend Jeremy to make sure I wasn’t going insane, which I was. When I asked him he told me to get over it. So I tried to get past this feeling, but my attitude had changed in how I behaved around my friends.
Going into week 2, I tried to be supportive of my friends’ life goals but I couldn’t. By this point, caffeine wasn’t the answer instead I went shopping at Target. We all know that you shouldn’t walk into a Target when vulnerable. In result of that, I spent $100. Not only did I leave still feeling empty, but also broke. So now I’m thinking about how I am going to make it through the week with very little funds and how I can be a better friend. To buy myself some time, I started hanging out with other people. My friend thought I was leaving them behind, but really I wasn’t. Towards the end of the week I gave up being distant. I realized they needed me but I didn’t see that. For 2 weeks I’ve been walking around blind. Now headed into week 3, I am going to give my friends the personal attention they deserve. I’m Trying! It’s hard being a non-emotional person in group of emotional people.
Next time any one feels as if I’m ignoring you, I’M NOT!! I just need time to regroup and focus. 🙂 Please forgive me?!