I haven’t posted for a few weeks because I wanted my blog to be a happy place. Last semester it was full of sad stories: I hated living alone, I got a bad grade, I missed my family. But the thing is, my blog isn’t a ‘place’– it’s a reflection of where I am. And to be honest, I’m NOT in a happy place. Sure, my grades are great, my job is amazing, and I have a killer group of friends. It looks like everything is wonderful, but that is far from the truth.
You see, 2013 was supposed to be a fresh start. Everything that I was holding onto that rattled my brain during my sleeping hours was supposed to be flushed. I wanted to be DONE dealing with ugly memories from my childhood (and the past few months). I was over it impacting every second, every breath, every ounce of my being. But just like I wasn’t in control of my childhood, I’m not I’m control of how the past is impacting me (which royally sucks).
I’m sure you’re wondering, ‘What happened?’ I wish I could scream the truth from a rooftop for all to hear, but I can’t. My heart doesn’t allow me to hurt people in the ways that they hurt me. What matters is that some people and events have lead me to such a dark, heartbreaking place. And I have to deal with it.
I think it’s less hurtful if I explain where I am with someone else’s words (maybe I’m cowardly?). So, I stole some from my favorite blogger’s, Sarafina Bianco, post “5 Things an Abused Woman (this woman) Wants You to Know”:
“I won’t get over it…soon.
I can’t get over it because my life has been forever changed. Downplaying the severity isn’t helpful; it’s denial. Acknowledgment and acceptance are necessary.
Some days are easier than others; I know it’s getting better. Yet there are days that I’m crying before I get out of bed. I don’t want to leave my apartment. I’m angry and sad and scared. The world isn’t one that seems to hold opportunity on those days. It’s a place that swallows me whole. On those days I have to remind myself that I was in such a devastatingly bad place a year prior. I have to allow myself to cry in the shower, so that I can keep it together during the work day. I have to be angry on the way to work, and I have to remind myself that I wasn’t allowed to feel anything for two years of my life. I wasn’t allowed to be human, so how can I expect myself to act like I am human?
Every week I feel stronger, even though I’m digging into the issues further and further in therapy. I do feel better…but just because my recovery doesn’t fit your needs doesn’t make my small steps any less significant for me. I am moving forward. If you can’t handle the pace, then just don’t say anything at all. I will get there. Your doubt and criticism prolong the recovery process.”
That’s exactly where I am.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
One day at a time. xoxo
I LOVED this blog. I read them all, however, this specific one relates to me so well. I know how you are feeling (maybe not to the same extent because different things happened I’m sure) but I can tell what you’re feeling inside. I can only pray things get better for you and that you can move on and heal soon enough.
If you ever need to talk to someone, Student Affairs has a Counselor you can talk to under the Counseling & Wellness Department at Fontbonne.
We all get into dark places sometimes. I hope you’ll find more light soon!
Hopefully with the coming of Spring will come more sunshine!
I love you Brooke!
Love you all.
It is so inspiring to see your strength. I have been through a similar situation. I look at this way, look in the mirror what do you see? Remember positive thoughts you see beauty, pride, happiness, strength, love and joy. If you are working to overcome it GO YOU GO YOU! This is me cheering for you! Remember that the words or the actions that were placed upon you are NOT YOUR FAULT. Sometimes we don’t clearly understand the nature of the incidences but we SEE THE LIGHT THAT SHINES FROM THE END OF THE TUNNEL. IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND THE TRUE HAPPINESS OF YOU. I promise you each day will progressively become easier. Iove ya Brooke!
Brooke angel I am so proud of you and love you more than you could imagine! You are truly a wonderful woman and I hope all your dreams come true because if anybody deserves happiness I believe it is you! I am here for you always if I can help!
There will be random day when you wake up positively amazed at what you have survived- I promise. You’ll catch yourself happy, laughing and smiling for real and realize just how strong you are/were. On one of the hardest days of my life, my Pappy put his arm around me and whispered, “this too shall pass”. I held on to his words and even had to use them again just to get me to the next day, the next hour, the next minute…
When you get a minute, stand in the sun, close your eyes, breathe and reflect. Know that you are such a beautiful person inside and out.
I knew I could count you, Shanny, for some strong words of wisdom. I love you. <3