Maybe I truly am a child of the 1980’s but when I started thinking about what I was thankful for I started to hum Poison’s song, Something to Believe In. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why that came to my mind but I looked up the song lyrics and could see clearly why. The song speaks of an inner discontent that the writer has for family, friends, and those never truly met that seem to have been lost or forgotten.
The lyrics- “Sometimes I wish to God I didn’t know now
The things I didn’t know then
Road you gotta take me home “
seem to really sound out to me. Why? I’m a little older than the typical Fontbonne student, I’m in my 40’s. There are many things in life that have thrown me off course as far as family, friends, and my education. This lyric speaks to me because I do truly wish at times that I was a first time student in college with all my hopes and dreams ready to come true. Instead, I have a new perspective and life experiences that at 18 I didn’t have. I’ve suffered the loss of my dad a week before my wedding, been graced with two children and a husband, been estranged from my mom I loved dearly only to reconnect with her last year when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. My younger self didn’t have any of these life experiences and was carefree, wow, to go back.
Then, I happened to think that if I went back I wouldn’t have the joys of having my two children and knowing what a blessing it can be to be a mom. By being a mom, I gained selflessness and compassion beyond merit for another. Those are two of my biggest blessings that I’ve got in my spirit the ability to act without thinking of myself and showing compassion and care not only to my kids but to others.
I also wouldn’t know the hurt the loving someone and having them leave your life either through death or on their own. When I take time to have perspective each of those have led me to me to being a stronger and more capable person. When I was younger without this experiences I was constantly relying on my dad or husband to bail me out, to be my knight in shining armor. Through my life experiences I’ve become more capable than I ever thought.
Lastly, is the relationship with my mom. When I was younger my dad told me the sun rose and set on me when it came to my mom. I can never remember a time when she didn’t love or support me. I wish that I still had those feelings when it came to my mom. But she chose to disconnect from me for over six years which is time that is lost. She chose to not see my kids growing up or talk with me which breaks my heart. This Thanksgiving though, I am thankful to God, that He gave me a loving mom as a child and into early adulthood. I can even see a blessing in that she has brain cancer. What? I am able to re-connect with her and see can be a part of my life again. The relationship is not perfect and our time I fear at times is limited but I’m thankful for the cancer because it has brought me back to her.
The song ends in these lines –
“You take the high road
And I’ll take the low road
Sometime I wish I didn’t know now
The things I didn’t know then
And give me something to believe in”. This Thanksgiving I’m thankful for a new perspective that comes from age and experience. I’m thankful that I’ve got a firm foundation in Christ most of all that helps, encourages, and gives me something to believe in daily.
May you all find something to believe in through Christ this holiday season.